Erring is Human, Forgiving is Divine
by IMSLES
Summary: He gave her his heart. She returned it on a plate. Can he move on when she's no longer attainable? NFA Guilty Challenge story.


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NCIS OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS.

Erring is Human, Forgiving is Divine

Even a year after Jennifer Shephard's death those at NCIS missed her. Some certainly more than others. Some even more deeply than the rest. One missed her most often and the deepest of all.

He had chosen to love her, despite all his promises to himself to never fall in love again. She had broken away all the barriers he'd erected to protect his fragile heart. Though no one would EVER think a part of him could be described that way. He'd let her in and gave his heart to her; she didn't steal it- that may have made the betrayal less painful.

Betrayal was the one thing he could never forgive. Though never believing in apologies, if you really cared about someone you'd accept that they were human and made mistakes. Forgetting the mistakes and moving on should be easy enough.

Apologizing left you bare to the scrutiny of others. Do they love me or not? Will they forget or not? He refused to be that vulnerable or demand anyone else put themselves in that position of weakness.

He was blindsided by her betrayal. They were happy; to this day he'll never see it differently. They were sharing a room in Paris as a married couple- an assignment they were more than eager to accept.

It was a successful mission which they celebrated with dinner out and dessert in. A bottle of champagne chilled while he showered. Returning wearing only a towel around his waist expecting Jenny to be sitting there in anticipation, he found only the bottle, two glasses, a plate of pastries and a note leaning against the ice bucket with Jethro written in her delicate script.

A knot tightened in his belly as he found his way to the table. Lifting the paper between his thumb and forefinger he stared at it for a long time. Finally willing to face what he was certain he'd read he flipped the paper open:

Jethro,

I know how you feel about apologies, but is there any other way to express the guilt that fills my soul. Not for loving you, because that is the most honest thing I've ever done. My remorse is for the fact that I knew we couldn't last forever. This assignment was my chance to prove I'm capable of bigger things. As much as I may want to be with you, I need to move my career forward. As a woman, especially in an institution like the NCIS, I need to grasp the opportunities when they offer.

So, yes I knew coming here to Paris would lead me away from you, but I had to take advantage of what they offered me after. One day I may very well be the director- your boss. Just think how you can hold all we've shared over my head then.

Please find a way to forgive me, even if it goes against all you believe in.

Yours,

Jenny

He remembers standing there for what felt like hours, before sitting and emptying the bottle of champagne until he fell into bed to sleep alone.

So many years he's been alone.

Sure he'd tried marriage three times after Shannon's and Kelly's deaths, but they were merely distractions for the emptiness he carried. Eventually they all figured out he wasn't going to give himself wholly and they moved on.

He'd wondered if Shannon saw them as betrayals to their love, but he knew she was too forgiving of him. Her heart always bigger than he deserved. She was probably up in Heaven having a good laugh at his failed attempts. Yet he knew she'd want him to be happy.

He was pretty happy. He had a job for the most part he loved. His team, so much like a family; they accepted each other with all their faults.

'Yes, Jenny. I forgive you,' he thinks to himself. 'One day I may even forgive myself.'

He refolds the letter he's saved all these years and places it back in the drawer. A smile appears as he thinks of some their fonder times together. He closes the drawer, pausing before standing from the chair. She loved him. He'd always held that close.

When she did return he was hoping somehow she'd let him love her again. Sure he had his rule #12, never date a coworker. After their fiasco he had to find a way to keep from repeating that mistake. Only he truly didn't see it as a mistake, until she left. Dating your boss was probably a more crucial error in judgment and specifically against departmental rules. He smirked, that wouldn't have stopped them. Not if she really had wanted him back.

He had scene her getting closer to succumbing to their attraction. It was undeniable. Heck even the agents could sense it. Abby calling them 'Mom and Dad' even. Now she was gone and he'd never have her back. Like Shannon, she'd taken all the love he had to offer and taken it to a place he could never reach to feel it returned. Would there ever be another to whom he'd give his heart. Only time could tell. He was in no hurry to let just anyone have it. She would have to be worthy of the love he knew was worth it. That kind of love doesn't come around all that often. He would know.


End file.
